Wednesday, September 26, 2012

So you want to get an Earth Crisis Tattoo Beard...

You are hardcore incarnate. 
Once you and a friend were at a carnival and you found a booth where a vendor was selling weapons. Your friend bought a buck knife, but you stole money from your grandmother to buy the samurai sword. You’ve never unsheathed it, but you hold it to this day while meditating. 
A few months back, some friends invited you on a camping trip. You turned them down, but then suddenly and inexplicably left town for 19 days to go live in the forest. You ate bad moss and got diarrhea, but you didn’t care; that’s all part of the price. The hardcore price. 
And now, having exhausted every avenue that being a hardcore person has to offer, you find yourself entering the final frontier of hardcoredom. As you stand there on that windswept precipice of life-changing decision, one question gnaws at the very fibers of your being: should I get an Earth Crisis tattoo beard? 
First things first - relax. Put your mind at ease. I’m here to help. 
What are my qualifications, you ask? Let me start by saying that I don’t actually like Earth Crisis, so you can expect only honest answers from me; I have no vested interest in promoting the band, nor do I have a vested interest in facial tattoos. I’m just a guy - an honest guy - that’s spent a lot of time pondering how life would change after getting an Earth Crisis tattoo beard. 
Without further ado, let’s get down to brass tacks. Here are the pros and cons, as I see them. 

Pro #1: Free Earth Crisis Shows For Life…Maybe. 
In the spirit of full disclosure I admit that I have no formal evidence with which I can back up this claim, hence I add the word “maybe.” However, I hold strong in my belief that any person in a position to let you into an Earth Crisis concert will do so for free if you have a tattoo of the band’s name on your face.  In the event of a failed attempt, I would recommend contacting the band directly - perhaps through their website - to inform them of the problem. 
Pro #2: The Love of Women Who Are Also Into Earth Crisis. 
An Earth Crisis tattoo beard sends a clear message: “I like Earth Crisis. I am hardcore*.” If you can find a woman who’s love of Earth Crisis matches your own (and let’s face it, why would you want anything else?), you are almost sure to catch her eye. If you somehow fail to catch her eye, simply approach her, tap her on the shoulder, and gesture to your Earth Crisis tattoo beard. 
Pro #3: The Ability to Look Down Upon All Other Fans of Earth Crisis That Don’t Have Face Tattoos. 
I don’t feel that this warrants a great deal of explanation as the name really says it all. Instead, here are a few dialogic examples which you may feel free to use or change to fit your needs: 

  • “Oh, you got the new Earth Crisis album? I haven’t got it yet. I spent all my money on this Earth Crisis tattoo beard.” 
  • “Oh, you got the new Earth Crisis album? I haven’t got it yet. I was too busy getting this Earth Crisis tattoo beard.” 
  • “Oh, you got the new Earth Crisis album? I haven’t got it yet. I don’t have any money because my Earth Crisis tattoo beard prevents me from having a job.” 
  • “There are two periods of Earth Crisis for me, and I call them PTB and ATB; that’s Pre-Tattoo Beard and After Tattoo Beard. Sure, the music sounds the same, but I don’t feel like I really understood Earth Crisis in the PTB period.”
  • “I see you have an Earth Crisis tattoo on your arm. That’s adorable. Let me show you mine - oh, wait, I already have. It’s on my face.” 

Pro #4: Never Again Having to Answer the Question “What’s your favorite band?”**  
Having a tattoo on your face tells the world “This is my favorite thing. Ever.” Imagine the time you’ll save when you. Don’t have to explain to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that Earth Crisis is your favorite band.  By the time these would-be time-wasters get close enough to ask you the question, you will have already answered it - with your face. 

I know what you’re thinking: this all sounds too good to be true - surprisingly, you wouldn’t be wrong in that assumption. Earth Crisis tattoo beards are in no way exempt from their fair share of downsides. For the sake of competent decision making, let’s take a moment to ponder the negatives. 

Con #1: A complete inability to ever be hired for gainful employment. 

You may ask yourself “what is this, some sort of uptight buzz-harshing academy that I’ve stumbled in to?” I don’t disagree with you. One might think that in the year 2011 the world has grown progressive enough to accept grand acts of individual expression, but things are not as progressive as we would like to think. The cold, hard fact of the matter is that employers may not want a candidate with an Earth Crisis tattoo beard, unless of course that employer is Earth Crisis the band, or a non-affiliate business that just happens to be named Earth Crisis; and in the latter situation, you would, in all likelihood, only be hired on as a sort of demeaned walking billboard for the company. 

Con #2: The Members of Earth Crisis are still alive, therefore it is unsafe to tattoo their logo on your face.  

Arguably, Earth Crisis never was what many would consider a “good” band. Given this uncertain talent-level, it may be best to wait for the members of the band to die of old age prior to getting a tattoo beard of their logo. This not only gives one ample time to prepare, but also grants the ability to examine the band’s entire body of work without the dangerous possibility of solo-endeavors or drastic genre changes. If you doubt the wisdom of this claim, simply go to your local bowling alley and ask any number of disillusioned and tattoo-laden Metallica fans; there is no testimonial more convincing than that of the hapless and burned phantoms from the past. 

Con #3: Repeatedly having strangers approach you to say: “Wow, you must really like Earth Crisis!” 

Much like King Midas and his magical finger, this beautiful blessing can soon become a curse. I have no solution for this problem, but I have taken the time to brainstorm a few suggestions that may help to ameliorate it somewhat. 

  • Look really scary - so scary that people won’t approach you. 
  • Get a second face tattoo that says “Yes, I REALLY like Earth Crisis.” 
  • Get a second face tattoo that says “Don’t ask me about Earth Crisis.” 
  • Carry an exposed pistol or knife at all times. 
  • Wear a giant, fake beard during time spent outside of pre-established “Comfort Zones”: home, work, etc. 

Con #4: The fact that “Earth Crisis” can easily be changed to “Fart Crisis” with only a small amount of concealing make-up. 

You may think this is far fetched, but I assure you the temptation will be strong enough to taunt even the least prank-oriented of your friends. Sleeping around other people - even spouses or significant others - will be nigh impossible with an Earth Crisis tattoo beard. Constant paranoia, early-morning trips to the mirror, and the fear - oh, the fear - will create a constant web of nervous misery. 

Final Thoughts: 

Despite my efforts to pro and con the situation into a manageable decision, the final call really comes down to you. Do you have the courage and will to become one of society’s chosen few? Can you travel the less-traveled path, alternately reaping rich rewards and feeling the cruel lash of fate? Some - many, in fact - cannot, and there is no shame in that. Sometimes homogeneity and anonymity are better; sometimes a clear, smooth baby-face is easier than having a billboard for a mediocre band carved into your flesh. In the end, as I’ve said, it all comes down to you. 

I wish you the best of luck in making your decision. 

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